Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

playboychristmasa
Despite the cold temperature outside, women burn hot inside for the Paco Camino Man. Maybe it’s his Brylcreem snow shield hair or the way he wears his stretch-fit polyester ribbed turtlenecks coordinated with tonal urban overcoats, but attractive women everywhere just want to bone his ass. And every Christmas this unassuming stud proves ‘going green’ isn’t merely a fad; it’s a way of life. Using just three pieces of tape and some yarn to wrap his big package, both Heidi and Rita can’t help fantasize about another naked fireside chat on his bearskin rug. Dude, better call the acquisitions office because you’ll be working on some delicate skin mergers clear through New Year’s.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I'll meet you at the Regal Begal.

FUsearchof
The mighty Fu Manchu deliver a Christmas miracle for stoners everywhere.

Friday, December 17, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

Railcar3
He’s had a trying year. Deep in thought en route to his exclusive resort in the Catskills, the Paco Camino Man speeds past snow-covered fields in his private rail car with his devoted woman. Sharing a bottle of rare vodka, he’s suffering from the devastating loss of his best friend’s life, and recently shaken to the core by the callous actions of a once noble lifelong colleague. But somehow, despite all the wearing & tearing, the Paco Camino Man still dresses like a mastodon of manliness—check out his cognac raccoon coat from New York City’s Barlan Furs, ribbed turtleneck by Pringle of Scotland and $2,000 caramel leather pants from Rafael Fashions. Like high fashion, grief and loathing have a shelf life. One day, he knows, the ice age will melt.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Decadent Smut: Christina’s Rapture, 1978

ChristinaRapture
A SENSUOUS VOYAGE INTO THE MYSTERIES OF PASSION
No ship--even one as massive and opulent as the S.S. Monterey--can
contain Christina van Bell in her passionate pursuit of pleasure. Both
on board and in exotic ports of call, she is the passenger extraordinaire,
as willfully uninhibited as she is breathtakingly beautiful.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Friday, December 03, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

PacoPeltmana
He’s PETA’s worst fucking nightmare. Engulfed in more endangered fur than a prehistoric caveman from Antarctica, this leathery outdoorsman keeps his women warm with enough animal pelts to choke Zsa Zsa Gabor. Seriously, this guy has more fur than a Russian street pimp stationed in Afghanistan during a winter holocaust. Anyway, out on a dogsled run on his sprawling mountainside retreat, the Paco Camino Man leads the pack with his perfectly chiseled facial features and Blagojevich mane of thick dark hair. Better save your strength ladies, because tonight this sexual Iditarod will conclude inside by the fireplace on a giant bearskin rug. Ironically, bareback.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Sunday, November 28, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

GayworkoutAAHe gives fabulous 20-minute workouts in the driveway. Now you may be thinking, “I dunno, this guy looks full of beans for a PC Man.” Trust me folks—he’s all man. Paco Camino Man. A self-described closet poof, he’s an effeminate aerobic instructor with big, comforting hands and sometimes he can get as excited as a flaming hairdresser singing “Beauty School Dropout” at a Grease convention, but that hardly suggests he’s a kielbasa connoisseur. And don’t let his tight tank top and package-accentuating jean shorts fool you either, this soft-spoken stud can really put it where the sun don’t shine. Aerobically speaking. The Paco Camino Man. Neither sexually ambiguous or suspiciously bi-curious at all. I think. There’s some confusion here. Well anyway, Cheryl & Sandy are two smoking hot chicks working up a sweat with Sven and you are not. So eat your heart out there, hater.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I'm a sack of broken eggs...

Eggmana
I always have an unmade bed. Don't you?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Decadent Smut: Christina's Ecstasy, 1980

ChriseEcstasy80a
Christina’s golden quest for love without restrictions has never been more compelling and dangerous than when she volunteers her name and body to an astute and persuasive promoter of sexotic vacations. With her fabulous figure and her international reputation as a connoisseur of the good life, the promise of a trip around the world with Christina lures even blasé millionaires to dip into their Swiss bank accounts to join her erotic entourage.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The following handwritten letter was found this weekend crumpled up on the unseasonably warm marble steps of McKinley Hall:

Dear Lisa,

I might be kinda concerned about my health. I can’t smell unscented perfume or taste unflavored ice cream. Obviously I’m losing my hearing. Plus how do you know if you have a flesh-eating virus? My appetite for skin has been totally insatiable lately. I mean, wait, my body is covered with extremely contagious, antibiotic-resistant open wounds likely caused by aggressive bacteria caught from a toilet seat I licked at Grand Central Station after a heroin junkie used it to deliver a nuclear-radiated stillborn fetus. Damn, I knew that was a bad idea. Hey--you know how I like to sleep in the nude, right? Well your Snuggie feels nice against my diseased epidermis—I was totally going to wash it before I gave it back to you, but I couldn’t find any quarters for the machine.

Ever notice math is all just numbers and shit?

Kristin

Song of the Day:

“Get Out My Life, Woman,” The Mad Lads

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings on acid?


In 1978, everyone is high, dressing badly, and really in love with awful disco music.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

DracaHe thinks this new vampire craze is fucking bullshit and that Robert Pattinson is a total fag. With the cranky temperament of basement dweller Arthur Spooner and Festivus founder Frank Costanza, The Paco Camino Man for centuries, has sucked the blood of hot women the old fashioned way. That means sleeping in a coffin all day, donning a cape and tuxedo at night, and turning into a bat to get around. So it’s no big surprise Bela can’t stand today’s pretty boy vampires walking around in broad daylight like a bunch of sparkle fucks, and he could give two shits about asinine crap like Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries. The only things the Paco Camino Man endorses is Bram Stoker, Count Chocula cereal and The Count from Seasame Street, whom he finds both highly entertaining and always educational.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Grisly Murder of Dorothy Stratten, 1980

StrattenWSOMRPlayboyaaThirty years ago today, Dorothy Stratten, the beautiful 1980 Playboy Playmate of the Year was brutally raped and murdered by her estranged husband, Paul Snider. She was just 20 years old. Stratten’s death remains one of the most tragic and disturbingly heinous acts in all of pop culture history and it still haunts Hugh Hefner to this day.

The above gross-out Playboy parody appeared in the July 1984 issue of Hustler. It depicts the gruesome crime scene and mocks both Playboy readers and the insanely jealous Snider. It’s in poor taste even for Hustler, yet the image is so shocking, it’s hard to look away.

One can only imagine the nightmare that transpired between noon and the late evening of August 14, 1980 in a small Westwood house bedroom not far from the LA freeway. Police records indicate Stratten was raped and sodomized, but it’s unclear if Snider had done so before or after he blew half her face off with a shotgun. There’s evidence she was duct taped to a homemade sex bench at one point during her brutal ordeal, and when Snider was finally finished with Stratten, he blew his own head off with the same shotgun. A housemate of Snider’s discovered the bodies several hours later in a state of rigor mortis and covered with hundreds of black ants.

There have been two films made about Dorothy Stratten, Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story (1981) starring Jamie Lee Curtis, and the excellent Star 80 (1983) starring Mariel Hemingway and Eric Roberts as the controlling Snider. Even more macabre is that Star 80 filmed scenes in the very same house in which Dorothy was murdered. Now, let us never speak of this again.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Come see Paco Camino's new digs!

After three years of posting tons of obscure retro crap and general nonsense stupid shit, Paco Camino is stretching it's legs with the addition of a real website. I'd like to personally thank every loyal Paco Camino follower and anyone that's ever stumbled onto us looking for pop culture relics, but finding idiotic 'Dear Lisa' letters and ridiculous CD Bullshit or Not! quizzes. Don't worry, we'll leave the light on here, but the real party will be over at PacoCamino.com

FEO MATEO

Saturday, July 10, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

MeatloafAMEXaThough it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night, he can see paradise by the dashboard light. Trying to get all the way around the bases and score with his hot backup singer proved challenging. Would he love her forever? Need her? Never leave her? Make her feel so happy for the rest of her life? Will he take her away? Will he make her his wife? Baby, baby, just let him sleep on it. I know she’s got to know right now! (before they go any further), but damn, it never felt so good, it never felt so right, and they were praying for the end of time. But more importantly, the American Express card. The Paco Camino Man never leaves home without it.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Bullshit or Not! May 11, 2010 Album Releases

Every week dozens of strange bands release CDs with strange titles to attract listeners. Guess which five are legit and which five are bullshit:

1. Wax Fang, La La Land
2. Stinky Toys, Plastic Faces
3. Brain Drill, Quantum Catastrophe
4. Puffy Areolas, In The Army, 1981
5. Stencho-Tronics, Electro-Beatdown
6. Holy Fuck, Latin
7. Shitty City Burnouts, Sunshine City Slurs
8. Micro Farts, Deep Channel Damage
9. Off Duty Doughnuts, Bombs Away
10. Sex Addicts, What Problem?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legit!
1. Wax Fang, La La Land
2. Stinky Toys, Plastic Faces
3. Brain Drill, Quantum Catastrophe
4. Puffy Areolas, In The Army, 1981
6. Holy Fuck, Latin
Bullshit!
5. Stencho-Tronics, Electro-Beatdown
7. Shitty City Burnouts, Sunshine City Slurs
8. Micro Farts, Deep Channel Damage
9. Off Duty Doughnuts, Bombs Away
10. Sex Addicts, What Problem?

Sunday, May 09, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

He’s an opportunist. Despite looking like a greasy dork in his concession stand duds, when this horny surfer has the chance to check out a hot chick, he totally goes for it. Straight out of a scene from a raunchy T&A matinee classic, the Paco Camino Man knows that if Debbie leans back any further, he may see some hair pie. Of course, his boss will totally bitch him out for being a perv, but it’ll all be worth it. Ah, Debbie in her scarlet letter cheerleader uniform. Sure she’s got her eyes on the entire football team, but if Brad here plays his cards right, a milkshake on the house might equal one in his pants come halftime.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Bullshit or Not! May 4, 2010 Album Releases

Every week dozens of strange bands release CDs with strange titles to attract listeners. Guess which five are legit and which five are bullshit:

1. Sex Presleys, Never Mind The Pollocks, We’re The Cod Army
2. Killer Bong, Leipzig Dub
3. Massive Guilt Trip, You’re Standing On My Hair
4. 8 Inch Betsy, Mean Days
5. Sonic Death Pigeon, Your Windshield is Mine
6. Various Artists, String Tribute to Deftones
7. Pool Fulla Badgers, Roadkill Smorgasbord
8. Cesar Puente & the Grass Skirt Cross-Dressers, Nookie Luau
9. Pathology, Incisions of Perverse Debauchery
10. Various Artists, Smooth Sax Tribute to Cannibal Corpse
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legit!
1. Sex Presleys, Never Mind The Pollocks, We’re The Cod Army
2. Killer Bong, Leipzig Dub
4. 8 Inch Betsy, Mean Days
6. Various Artists, String Tribute to Deftones
9. Pathology, Incisions of Perverse Debauchery

Bullshit!
3. Massive Guilt Trip, You’re Standing On My Hair
5. Sonic Death Pigeon, Your Windshield is Mine
7. Pool Fulla Badgers, Roadkill Smorgasbord
8. Cesar Puente & the Grass Skirt Cross-Dressers, Nookie Luau
10. Various Artists, Smooth Sax Tribute to Cannibal Corpse

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bullshit or Not! April 27, 2010 Album Releases

Every week dozens of strange bands release CDs with strange titles to attract listeners. Guess which five are legit and which five are bullshit:

1. Alcoholic Faith Mission, Let This Be Last Night We Care
2. Fleas & Lice, Recipes For Catastrophes
3. Coathanger Abortion, Dying Breed
4. Tard, Disgorging Guttural Regurgitations
5. Atrocious Abnormality, Echoes of the Rotting
6. Sikfuk, Shitfisted Superman: The Man of Stool
7. Execration, Feast For The Wretched
8. Frog Eyes, Paul’s Tomb: A Triumph
9. Engaged in Mutilating, Population: Zero
10. Mouth Sewn Shut, Pandemic Equals Solution
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legit!
1. Alcoholic Faith Mission, Let This Be Last Night We Care
2. Fleas & Lice, Recipes For Catastrophes
3. Coathanger Abortion, Dying Breed
4. Tard, Disgorging Guttural Regurgitations
5. Atrocious Abnormality, Echoes of the Rotting
6. Sikfuk, Shitfisted Superman: The Man of Stool
7. Execration, Feast For The Wretched
8. Frog Eyes, Paul’s Tomb: A Triumph
9. Engaged in Mutilating, Population: Zero
10. Mouth Sewn Shut, Pandemic Equals Solution
Bullshit!
None! These are all real.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Vintage Ad: RCA electronics, 1974

Photobucket
Speakers that look like boobs. Cool.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

He can see your house from here in his kick-ass balloon car. That’s right my brother, when you’ve got a motherfucking balloon car, it’s easy to get high and roll in style. Now, surely driving a balloon car is a fun adventure and a surefire way to get into any chick's pants, but sometimes in deeply reflective moments, the Paco Camino Man will look at the beautiful countryside floating underneath him and think, “Man, I’ll bet that starving dude from Into The Wild would’ve loved one of these, huh? Not only could Alexander Supertramp have crossed a raging river, but he could have made a sandwich and a stiff cocktail from the wet bar and custom deli fridge built in the back.”

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?


Now summertime’s here babe, need something to keep you cool.
Aw now summertime’s here babe, need something to keep you cool.
Better look out now, Paco’s got something for you. Tell ya what it is.
I’m your ice cream man, stop me when I’m passing by. Oh my my.
I’m your ice cream man, stop me when I’m passin’ by.
Now see all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy.

I got bim-bam banana pops and dixie cups. All flavors and push-ups too.
I’m your ice cream man baby, stop me when I’m passing by.
You see all my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy.
Well I'm usually passin' by just about eleven o'clock. Uh, I never stop.
I'm usually passin' by just around eleven o'clock.
And if you let me cool you one time, you’ll be my regular stop…

Or in Paco Camino sexual terminator terms, “I’ll be back.”

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Bullshit or Not! April 20, 2010 Album Releases

Every week dozens of strange bands release CDs with strange titles to attract listeners. Guess which five are legit and which five are bullshit:

1. Sweet Apple, Love & Desperation
2. Lesbian Film Critics Society, Totally Gay For Chick Flicks
3. Rikets, All American Death Cult
4. Hellsongs, Hymns in the Key of 666
5. Syphilis For Children, Playing With Death
6. Levi and Werstler, Avalanche of Worms
7. The Wolfmen, Married to the Eiffel Tower
8. Butt Munch, Atomic Turdz
9. Stink Hole, Cat Vomit and Other Nasty Stuff
10. Basket Weavers, Wicker Underwear is Surprisingly Itchy
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legit!
1. Sweet Apple, Love & Desperation
3. Rikets, All American Death Cult
4. Hellsongs, Hymns in the Key of 666
6. Levi and Werstler, Avalanche of Worms
7. The Wolfmen, Married to the Eiffel Tower
Bullshit!
2. Lesbian Film Critics Society, Totally Gay For Chick Flicks
5. Syphilis For Children, Playing With Death
8. Butt Munch, Atomic Turdz
9. Stink Hole, Cat Vomit and Other Nasty Stuff
10. Basket Weavers, Wicker Underwear is Surprisingly Itchy

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Bullshit or Not! April 13, 2010 Album Releases

Every week dozens of strange bands release CDs with strange titles to attract listeners. Guess which five are legit and which five are bullshit:

1. All Leather, When I Grow Up I Wanna Fuck Like a Girl
2. Fabulous Penetrators, Send In The Clones
3. Little Claw, Spit & Swallow The Snow
4. Young Buck, Back On My Buck Shit Screwed
5. Hootchie Mama, Giving It Away For Free
6. Cancer Bats, Bears, Mayors, Scraps & Bones
7. Rejected, Bouncing Flat Basketballs
8. Yo Mudder, Inside Joke From Amsterdam
9. Various Artists, Slack Babbath: A Dyslexic Tribute to Black Sabbath
10. Knucklehead, Careful With That Cake Mix, Clarence
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legit!
1. All Leather, When I Grow Up I Wanna Fuck Like a Girl
2. Fabulous Penetrators, Send In The Clones
3. Little Claw, Spit & Swallow The Snow
4. Young Buck, Back On My Buck Shit Screwed
6. Cancer Bats, Bears, Mayors, Scraps & Bones
Bullshit!
5. Hootchie Mama, Giving It Away For Free
7. Rejected, Bouncing Flat Basketballs
8. Yo Mudder, Inside Joke From Amsterdam
9. Various Artists, Slack Babbath, A Dyslexic Tribute to Black Sabbath
10. Knucklehead, Careful With That Cake Mix, Clarence

Sunday, April 11, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

SelleckPCMaBy land, air, or sea, he’s a famously mustachioed ex-Navy SEAL seeking the next thrill. When he can’t get enough excitement at the beach, he’ll strap on some water skis, grab onto a hang glider and have his Nam buddies Rick & T.C. fly him up behind a speeding dune buggy. Powerlessly intrigued by his All-American good looks and magnetizing persona, women just can’t take their eyes off him and can’t keep their hands off him either. With a lifetime of magnificent conquests ahead of him, the Paco Camino Man will soon trade his Jeep for a Ferrari to work as a private investigator living rent-free in Hawaii at Robin Masters’ estate. Sadly however, he’ll have to share the posh compound with a short, balding, long-winded, high-pants wearing Englishman and his two trained Dobermans Zeus and Apollo.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Bullshit or Not! April 6, 2010 Album Releases

Every week dozens of strange bands release CDs with strange titles to attract listeners. Guess which five are legit and which five are bullshit:

1. Atta, I Just Called To Say I Love You
2. Erotic Beef, Sweaty Stripper Cake
3. Macaroons, Let’s Go Coconuts
4. Monster Movie, Everyone Is A Ghost
5. Sex Picnic, I Packed a Velvet Blanket and a Basket Full of Dildos
6. Lucky Basterdz, Hated For Who We Are
7. Champion Show Dogs, Sniffin’ Hindquarters
8. Bug Girl, Blood, Sweat & Beers
9. Tinkler System, Water Sports For Backyard Summer Fun
10. Shittle, Touching Poop
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legit!
1. Atta, I Just Called To Say I Love You
3. Macaroons, Let’s Go Coconuts
4. Monster Movie, Everyone Is A Ghost
6. Lucky Basterdz, Hated For Who We Are
8. Bug Girl, Blood, Sweat & Beers

Bullshit!
2. Erotic Beef, Sweaty Stripper Cake
5. Sex Picnic, I Packed a Velvet Blanket and a Basket Full of Dildos
7. Champion Show Dogs, Sniffin’ Hindquarters
9. Tinkler System, Water Sports For Backyard Summer Fun
10. Shittle, Touching Poop

Monday, April 05, 2010

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

His name is Boris and he’s a badass motherfucker. Ruler of the high seas with a foot long seacock, he’s a sexual legend of the deep. Sure, he’s got the facial scars to prove it, but he lets his mythic fore-skinned first mate do all the talking. Wearing a classic ribbed cardigan made from the fittest wool shorn from marathon-running sheep, the Paco Camino Man always has seafaring foxes rubbing their perfect asses up against his impressive manhood and close-fitting stretch pants. He picked this one up 20 minutes ago when she flashed him the high beams from the first row at the regatta award ceremony (Boris won first prize in record time, of course). With her Toyko tuners set to stun, the Paco Camino Man is moments away from some plunging action below deck. Don’t come knocking if this boats a-rocking.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

The following handwritten letter was recently discovered on the cold, but sunny marble steps of McKinley Hall:

Dear Lisa,

Since when is Easter on a Sunday? I finally rented the flick Into the Wild and watched it like three times. Um, that hiker dude gets rescued at the end, right? I was so inspired by cutie Emile Hirsch when he cut up his credit cards and burned his money, that I’ve invested in a rice manufacturing plant (so I’ll never run out) and deleted like a 100 Myspace friends to symbolize severing complete ties with the outside world. Speaking of movies, I heard Leonardo DiCaprio might do Titanic II: Jack Dawson’s Spring Break Revenge. This time he’s a struggling baseball player fighting a strong passion to pole dance at a gay underwater men’s club run by loan sharks claiming the Titanic was a staged hoax like Oceanic flight 815 on LOST. Do your socks smell fishy and taste all silty and gritty? Yeah, funny, mine too. Maybe it’s that new Sand & Seagull detergent I bought in coffee cans from that homeless vagrant down at the docks.

“Beachy Clean” my ass!

Kristin

Song of the Day:

Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings, “Keep On Looking (Kenny Dope remix)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Bullshit or Not! March 30, 2010 Album Releases

Every week dozens of strange bands release CDs with strange titles to attract listeners. Guess which five are legit and which five are bullshit:

1. MORONICA, Money Shot For Metal
2. Army of Sluts, Marching On Our Backs
3. Grooms of Doom, I Hate My Hair & I Want To Die!!!
4. Black Breath, Heavy Breathing
5. Asleep In The Park, Adios Motherfucker
6. Pooh Pooh, Your Face Is Hurting My Eyes
7. Ash Pool, For Which He Plies The Lash
8. Trailer Park Orgy, Turlet Games
9. Clint Toris, Pushing The Fun Button
10. He’s a Girl, Stories From The Train
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Legit!
1. MORONICA, Money Shot For Metal
3. Grooms of Doom, I Hate My Hair & I Want To Die!!!
4. Black Breath, Heavy Breathing
5. Asleep In The Park, Adios Motherfucker
7. Ash Pool, For Which He Plies The Lash

Bullshit!
2. Army of Sluts, Marching On Our Backs
6. Pooh Pooh, Your Face Is Hurting My Eyes
8. Trailer Park Orgy, Turlet Games
9. Clint Toris, Pushing The Fun Button
10. He’s a Girl, Stories From The Train

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Vintage Commercial: Softique

Dorian Concept - Trilingual Dance Sexperience

paco camino loves to dance