The following handwritten letter was recently discovered on the marble steps of McKinley Hall:

Dear Lisa,

Hey girl, I hope you don’t mind, but I borrowed your lavender scented aromatherapy insoles for my shoes and damn, it’s like a flower garden shit all over my feet. Oh yeah, something else you should probably be aware of is that I sort of accidentally implicated you in a grisly double homicide by sending damning manufactured evidence to FBI crime scene investigators. Sorry, my bad, but those detectives were so darn cute! I just had to see them again. Anyway, the Feds just need to do a thorough body cavity search and impregnate you with the sperm from a mysterious lizard man, and boom, just like that you’re off the hook for the murders.

My ass acne is coming back nicely thanks to spray-on Rash in a Can,

Kristin

Song of the Day:

Rosebud, “Have a Cigar”