Americathon (1979): Another crapass film that time forgot

Taking place in the future (1998!) Americathon stars the late John Ritter as President Chet Roosevelt and the recently deceased Harvey Korman as pill-popping actor Monty Rushmore (top right corner). Approved by Congress (which now meets in a rented condo in Marina del Rey), they all conspire to stage a national telethon to pay off America's total bankruptcy. In fact the country is so broke, gasoline no longer exists--millions of people just live in their cars, wear Nike sweat suits, and commute by either running or biking. Notable appearances in this farce include Meatloaf as a car-slaying daredevil, Elvis Costello as the Earl of Manchester and Dorothy Stratten as a stage girl.

Damn fine reading material. The Jerk, 1979

Video Flashback: Vacation, 1983

With the cross-country family road trip going catastrophically awry (and just 10 hours from the fucking fun park), Clark W. Griswold finally snaps under the pressure.

Vintage Ad #30 : Polaroid, 1974

WHAT SORT OF WOMAN READS PACO CAMINO?

She’s seen Mean Girls, The Shawshank Redemption and I Spit On Your Grave like ten times. She’s had it with these two condescending bitch hags ridiculing her and forcing her to perform numerous household chores in tattered rags. The tears may be real for now, but tonight, revenge will be hers. Not only will she embarrass those two slut bags at the ball with buckets of pig’s blood (she’s seen Carrie a few times too), the Paco Camino Woman will totally seduce the hot prom prince in a form-fitting Roberto Cavalli ball gown revealing her spectacular cleavage. Well, at least until midnight anyway, when her carriage turns into a pumpkin (fairy god mice have no concept about all nighters). Don’t worry, Prince Stallion Footfetish will post on Craigslist, “Yo caliente senorita! Callad y que se cumpla mi voluntad! Senatos, jovencita y dejad que yo mismo os prube el zapato Manolo Blahnik.” They lived happily ever after.

Memorial Day fashion tip

Ladies, that white designer dress you've been eying is now swank through Labor Day.

The Mighty Fu Manchu

Fu Manchu plays "Mongoose" at Osterrocknacht in 2002. Uh yeah, so the driving tune was used for a Toyota Super Bowl commercial--credit some ad agency musichead that knew about the mighty Fu Manchu and perfectly paired them with a Big Wheel race ad.

Video Flashback: Skateboard Kings, 1978

They're young, male and live in the city. How do you prove yourself in the most materially comfortable country on Earth? How do you show courage, daring, skill; strength? How do you prove you're a man? If you're a Maasai tribesman in Africa, you kill a lion. If you're an Aborigine boy, you go on walkabout. If you live in Dogtown, Los Angeles, you ride a skateboard.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

Putting seven years of college to work, The Paco Camino Man has the misguided conviction that it wasn’t over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor. Man of a thousand facial expressions, he’s able to spy on women in their underwear by hopping a ladder outside sorority houses and always apologizes after smashing acoustic guitars away from shitty folk singers at a toga parties (um, sorry). Achieving the lowest grade point average in Faber College history (0.0), the hard partying Paco Camino Man is also adept at impersonating a zit and starting epic food fights. Though he wasn’t seen on film, the slob described as a P-I-G, pig would secretly nab sorority sisters Mandy Pepperidge and Babs Jensen to the dismay of the hated Omegas. Not bad for a dropout that would one day become a U.S. senator. Suck on that, double secret probation.

Decadent Smut: Christina’s Surrender, 1979

Christina van Bell’s passionate involvement with life leads her to succumb to the relentless campaign of a dashing Hollywood producer to star in a motion picture as the world’s most beautiful and desirable playgirl. From Hollywood to Bogotá, from Monte Carlo to the Via Veneto, she knows that, tantalizing temptress though she is, she has a willingness to share not only her fortune but the priceless wealth of her enticingly lovely body as well.

Christina’s life was almost make-believe; yet she was real enough to cope with the Hollywood cannibals who wanted a share of her appetizing flesh. From the hills of Beverly to exotic locales like Bogotá, the alluring heiress leads an imaginative motion picture crew on an erotic odyssey to recapture the highlights of her past for the cameras—only to become inescapably involved with the prurient present.