MERRY CHRITHMITH

Football Sunday. Ernie "Arrowhead" Holmes

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

He’s got life by the reins. Taking an exhilarating break from a weeklong Christmas party at his majestic mountain mansion, the Paco Camino Man makes a booze run into town on an irresistibly charming one-horse sleigh. While loading up cases of premium liquor, imported beer, and archival wine, this adventurous sweater stud runs into a few fun-loving foxes who’d love to come back to his place for some naked reindeer games. Incredibly, these three sexy wise women bring forth many gifts. “I give expert Swedish massages while contorting my body into forbidden sexual positions,” said Inga. “I’m a master chef and baker that’s also won two world pole dancing titles,” said Cookie. “And I’ve got a satchel full of Columbian joints rolled by Rollie Fingers himself,” cooed Mary Jane. It’s always a good year when you’re a Paco Camino Man.

Lord of the Thighs: Aerosmith Glider Tom Selleck.

Vintage Ad: Smirnoff Vodka, 1969

Got a case fulla tapes muthafucka.

R.I.P. Bill Cosby

Masters in the Art of Wine & Women

Decadent Smut: Christina's Favorite, 1983

A thoroughbred like Christina van Bell chooses a champion racehorse the way she
picks her men--with headlong passion and expert care. From the New South to Old
Paris, Christina races toward her climactic triumph like any beautiful animal in
pursuit of pleasure. Life and love are a fast gallop on winner's track for Christina.

Paul Simon, Neil Diamond, & Debbie Harry, 1980

Football Sunday. Walter Payton, 1982

Happy Halloween

I'll have what she's having..

Rusty Griswold: [watching a romantic couple make out at the table] Dad, he's grabbing her tits right there at the table!
Clark Griswold: Just eat your breakfast, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: [Rusty still watching the couple] Dad, I think he's gonna pork her.
Clark Griswold: He's not gonna pork her, Russ.
Rusty Griswold: I think he's gonna.
Clark Griswold: He may pork her, finish your breakfast.

This Week in Paco Fall Fashion

Decadent Smut: Nicole, 1982

Nicole. The name is a cool whisper on the hot sands of the Caribbean, a sensuous sigh in the marble hideaways of a French chateau. From her first budding moment of desire, Nicole lives to love and loves to live with a passion no other woman can surpass, and only special men can match. Because of her ripe beauty, a jet-sleek world of delicious decadence lies at her feet--and in her arms. Enter the world of Nicole at your pleasure. Or your risk.

Now that's Italian..

A Perfect Fall Day With Friends

Vintage Ad: Groshire knit sport coats, 1972

What Did I Do That Was Wrong?

Dynamite Halloween Stickers, 1977

Football Sunday. Ollie Matson, 1957

Follow the Black Cat

Decadent Smut: Christina's Sensation, 1984

Sex and television are the two greatest American pastimes. So count on Christina van Bell to unite these fabulous phenomena in a sensuous mating of high tech and low lust. Through the miracle of video cassettes, the inexhaustible Christina plans to bring her own exciting brand of sexuality to home boxes all across the nation--and the turned-on denizens of TV-land will never be the same.

Cycling. You're doing it wrong.

New in Fall Fashion: How to Treat a Lady

Football Sunday. Jack Tatum, 1976

Watch out boy, she'll chew you up...

Vintage Ad: Riviera Sunglasses, 1974

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

He owns the luckiest bath towels in the world. With a lubricating passion for slippy motion lotions & aromatic fragrance potions, he’s a genuine pioneer in the fine art of manscaping. A sensation on the college lecture circuit, his groundbreaking work orchestrating sexy threesomes is the stuff of legend. Masters & Johnson have nothing on him since you could say he’s completely mastered his Johnson. Groan--even with a weak-ass dick joke like that, the Paco Camino Man is still accompanying two beautiful ladies to a steamy, drop-towel party in his sauna. See, he’s looking at the man in the mirror and knows there’s no need to change his ways--he’s making the world a better place with his impeccable bedroom etiquette, yummy personal grooming, and intoxicating aerosol knowledge of the sexual universe.

Put another dime in the jukebox baby.

Summer loving, had me a blast..

Summer loving, happened so fast.
I met a girl, crazy for me,
met a boy, cute as can be.
summer days, drifting away,
to, ooh ah, oh those summer nights...

R.I.P Jay Adams

Decadent Smut: Christina's Essence, 1984

AN AROMATIC PLUNGE INTO EROTIC PLEASURE: When dazzling Chrsitina van Bell sets out to save a faltering house of high fashion perfume and cosmetics, she embraces the task with all the passion for which she is so famous. From Rome to the Rockies, the world's proudest men and women succumb to Christina's seductive fragrance--and thrill to the taste of her red-hot lipstick. They learn to their deepest delight that no bottled magic can match the natural beauty of Christians' essence.

R.I.P. Robin Williams

SHARK WEEK

"Theme from Jaws plays"
[A knock at the door]
 Woman: [approaches the door] Yes?
 Land Shark: [muffled voice] Mrs. Arlsbergerhh??
 Woman: Who?
 Land Shark: [muffled voice] Mrs. Johnannesburrrr??
 Woman: Who is it?
 Land Shark: [muffled voice] Flowers.
 Woman: Flowers? From whom?
 Land Shark: [muffled voice] Plumber, ma'am..
 Woman: I don't need a plumber. You're that clever shark, aren't you?
 Land Shark: [muffled voice] Candygram.
 Woman: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the police. You're the shark, and you know it.
 Land Shark: [muffled voice] I'm only a dolphin, ma'am..
 Woman: A dolphin? Well.. okay..
 [she opens the door, as the shark pulls her screaming into the hallway]

Country Music Fashion Victims: The Four Guys, 1974

Martin Mull AKA Hamlin Rule (The Pied Piper)

Here's Sulky Sue!

Girl on a Moped

The Moods of Surfing, 1968

Summer in Brazil, 1973

Parachute Games

Vintage Ad: Poster Factory, 1974

Decadent Smut: Couples, 1985

Looks like rain. Lucky my place is just around the corner.

Custom Built for Edward Van Halen: This Baby Goes to 12

Happy Fathers Day to the Champion Hipster Dad

I was thinking---you skate, I skate. We skate. Maybe we could get together and be a skating team...