Americathon (1979): Another crapass film that time forgot

Taking place in the future (1998!) Americathon stars the late John Ritter as President Chet Roosevelt and the recently deceased Harvey Korman as pill-popping actor Monty Rushmore (top right corner). Approved by Congress (which now meets in a rented condo in Marina del Rey), they all conspire to stage a national telethon to pay off America's total bankruptcy. In fact the country is so broke, gasoline no longer exists--millions of people just live in their cars, wear Nike sweat suits, and commute by either running or biking. Notable appearances in this farce include Meatloaf as a car-slaying daredevil, Elvis Costello as the Earl of Manchester and Dorothy Stratten as a stage girl.

Damn fine reading material. The Jerk, 1979

Video Flashback: Vacation, 1983

With the cross-country family road trip going catastrophically awry (and just 10 hours from the fucking fun park), Clark W. Griswold finally snaps under the pressure.

Vintage Ad #30 : Polaroid, 1974

WHAT SORT OF WOMAN READS PACO CAMINO?

She’s seen Mean Girls, The Shawshank Redemption and I Spit On Your Grave like ten times. She’s had it with these two condescending bitch hags ridiculing her and forcing her to perform numerous household chores in tattered rags. The tears may be real for now, but tonight, revenge will be hers. Not only will she embarrass those two slut bags at the ball with buckets of pig’s blood (she’s seen Carrie a few times too), the Paco Camino Woman will totally seduce the hot prom prince in a form-fitting Roberto Cavalli ball gown revealing her spectacular cleavage. Well, at least until midnight anyway, when her carriage turns into a pumpkin (fairy god mice have no concept about all nighters). Don’t worry, Prince Stallion Footfetish will post on Craigslist, “Yo caliente senorita! Callad y que se cumpla mi voluntad! Senatos, jovencita y dejad que yo mismo os prube el zapato Manolo Blahnik.” They lived happily ever after.

Memorial Day fashion tip

Ladies, that white designer dress you've been eying is now swank through Labor Day.

The Mighty Fu Manchu

Fu Manchu plays "Mongoose" at Osterrocknacht in 2002. Uh yeah, so the driving tune was used for a Toyota Super Bowl commercial--credit some ad agency musichead that knew about the mighty Fu Manchu and perfectly paired them with a Big Wheel race ad.

Video Flashback: Skateboard Kings, 1978

They're young, male and live in the city. How do you prove yourself in the most materially comfortable country on Earth? How do you show courage, daring, skill; strength? How do you prove you're a man? If you're a Maasai tribesman in Africa, you kill a lion. If you're an Aborigine boy, you go on walkabout. If you live in Dogtown, Los Angeles, you ride a skateboard.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

Putting seven years of college to work, The Paco Camino Man has the misguided conviction that it wasn’t over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor. Man of a thousand facial expressions, he’s able to spy on women in their underwear by hopping a ladder outside sorority houses and always apologizes after smashing acoustic guitars away from shitty folk singers at a toga parties (um, sorry). Achieving the lowest grade point average in Faber College history (0.0), the hard partying Paco Camino Man is also adept at impersonating a zit and starting epic food fights. Though he wasn’t seen on film, the slob described as a P-I-G, pig would secretly nab sorority sisters Mandy Pepperidge and Babs Jensen to the dismay of the hated Omegas. Not bad for a dropout that would one day become a U.S. senator. Suck on that, double secret probation.

Decadent Smut: Christina’s Surrender, 1979

Christina van Bell’s passionate involvement with life leads her to succumb to the relentless campaign of a dashing Hollywood producer to star in a motion picture as the world’s most beautiful and desirable playgirl. From Hollywood to Bogotá, from Monte Carlo to the Via Veneto, she knows that, tantalizing temptress though she is, she has a willingness to share not only her fortune but the priceless wealth of her enticingly lovely body as well.

Christina’s life was almost make-believe; yet she was real enough to cope with the Hollywood cannibals who wanted a share of her appetizing flesh. From the hills of Beverly to exotic locales like Bogotá, the alluring heiress leads an imaginative motion picture crew on an erotic odyssey to recapture the highlights of her past for the cameras—only to become inescapably involved with the prurient present.

Vintage Ad #72 : Chaz Cologne and Aftershave by Revlon, 1976

Damn fine reading material: Plaything of Passion, 1951

Happy Birthday, Pete Townshend!

Since it's Pete Townshend's birthday, here's a cherry clip of The Who live at the Isle of Wight Festival in 1970. Now that Townshend is 63 years old (and stone deaf), the prophetic words to "Young Man Blues" seem rather ironic now. What a total jam this is.

Vintage Surf Movie #32: Free and Easy, 1967

Intermission at the drive-in!

The following handwritten letter was found crumpled up on the noble grounds of McKinley Hall:

Dear Lisa,

Hmm, maybe you didn’t hear me when I whispered under my breath a block away standing next to a biker dude obnoxiously revving his Harley, but yes, you were right—silk-screening t-shirts made entirely of ice cream was a bad idea. Not only were they cold and sticky, but they totally melt in the trunk in like minutes. Speaking of bad ideas, I probably shouldn’t have taken a class of special needs children with severe peanut allergies on a field trip to the George Washington Carver Museum & Lickable Wallpaper Cafeteria. Unexpectedly a few kids ballooned up like giant pumpkins and were hastily rolled away by a gang of monotone midgets in peanut costumes singing cautionary tales. Geez, you try to do something nice and look what happens.

Probably should’ve taken the kids to the Nail Gun & Ebola Emporium instead,

Kristin

Song of the Day:

James Pants, “My Girl"

MURS for President

I admit it. Big up L.A. I vote for MURS!

Status magazine, Argentina 1978

Bubblicious: The Ultimate Bubble (laced with PCP?)

Vintage Ad #102: Benson & Hedges Cigarettes, 1973

Happy Mother's Day!

Encouraging to a fault, Mom always said to go for it!

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

He could feel the sexual attraction brewing the moment these two beautiful women arrived for an intimate dinner at his swanky Oceanside villa. Diane, a gorgeous bi-curious brunette (just aching to lose her sexual inhibitions) was instantly turned on by Jan, a stunning free spirited blonde who’s always up for a threesome. After smoking some of the finest Columbian weed and opening a ridiculously expensive bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild, the Paco Camino Man will put his impressive culinary prowess on full display. Seriously now, the big chef can really handle his meat. Giving new meaning to angry cooking reality shows, the only screaming going on here will be the shrieks of ecstasy coming from the bedroom later. Loser does the dishes.

Video Flashback: KISS Meets The Phantom, 1978

Decades later the question still lingers how the biggest rock band in the world at the time could produce such a crap turd of a film. It was so mindnumbingly awful that tentative plans for KISS Conquers The Martians were immediately scrapped.

Damn fine reading material

Phillip Fish, the sour-faced detective in Barney Miller and his wife, Bernice, now have their hands full with a house of deliquent kids. When little Loomis decides to join a softball team and convinces Fish to be the manager, the fun begins! Join the team in this hilarious novel based on the popular TV show!

And yes--that's Todd Bridges in the blue cap just before Diff'erent Strokes premiered.

Paris, Show Us Your Underalls!

You know, I've been living in Paris for approximately 14 months now. Loving every minute of it too.

Spring has sprung here. It is truly lovely, unless we are talking about taking the Metro/RER, but that is another blog.

Lately, I've been checking out French girls butts,...for research purposes, of course. Anyway, I've noticed a lot of panty lines!

What is this French madness?

Why don't French women wear butt thongs? Don't get me wrong, I see a lot of nice butts here, I really do, but this panty lines business is serious matter.

So, if I may be of service to all the beautiful French women in Paris,...

Paris please show us your Underalls!

The following handwritten letter was found crumpled up on the hallowed grounds of McKinley Hall:

Dear Lisa,

With my doorframe-catching childbearing hips, I’m really digging the hot new Hillary Pantsuit Collection from Sears. Hey when gas hits 4 bucks a gallon, I’m going back into stripping because removing paint from old furniture is my real passion. I know this guy with a video camera that pays good money to rub stuff out for him, plus he’s recommended me to all his friends that have hard wood in need of relief. Happy endings for all! Hey there’s a Facebook group for “Cats That Look Like Hitler,” but there’s none for “Beavers That Look Like Tolstoy” or “Bearded Clams That Look Like Pink Tacos.” What gives? I’m thinking of changing my surname to Sylvestera Cornrow from Cornhole Cornwall. Makes me sound more regal and distinguished, huh?

It’s a calculated mistake not correcting the wrong answer to the big math question,

Kristin

Song of the Day:

Marvin Gaye, “You Can Leave But It’s Going To Cost You” (alternate/extended mix)

Drum & Bass Breakfast-Paris Style

After une soiree of Drum & Bass @ Paris' Cabaret Sauvage with the crew from Jungle Juice, a Pepito and un cafe treats you right!
http://www.myspace.com/junglejuiceparty

Pepito Paris People!

Pepito for Everyone!!!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Introducing Led Zeppelin, 1968

Robert Plant: "Gather 'round young children and have a seat on the floor. Prepare to have your asses blown out. In just a mater of months, we, Led Zeppelin, will rule the world with songs like this off our first album. It's called "How Many More Times."

Vintage Ad #153: Camel Cigarettes, 1979

Grandma's orgies are always rather wrinkly

Vintage Porn Poster: Lust Combo, 1970