It's a Van Halen Miracle!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: ATTENTION ALL VAN HALEN FANS! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF!! 

 Warner Music Group and the Estate of Edward Van Halen have just announced the official release of a dozen Van Halen concert films from the 1970's & 80's. Crystal clear, meticulously restored frame by frame and expertly remastered with superb audio, this makes Led Zeppelin's 2003 DVD set look totally tame. 

 This highly anticipated box set titled, We Don't Fuck Around: The Mighty Van Halen Unchained, unearths lost archival footage so real & sweaty, you'll swear you were attending an epic summer backyard keg party in 1975, witnessing a pay-your-dues Friday night bar gig in deepest darkest Pomona in 1976, or gloriously watching Van Halen headline Madison Square Garden in 1984.

 If that didn't melt your face off, a proper Van Halen documentary is finally in the works: The Brown Sound--The Musical Genius & Existential Essence of Van Halen. Inside sources say it's a monumental combination of Dogtown and Z-Boys, Heavy Metal Parking Lot, and Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. There's even rare footage from Jeff Spicoli's epic 1982 birthday party when he saved Brooke Shields from drowning. 

Still, even more ridiculously unbelievable, there's a Van Halen biopic that has started production. Simply titled Van Halen, it stars a cast of unknown actors portraying legendary guitarist Eddie Van Halen, older bother & drummer Alex Van Halen, wild frontman David Lee Roth, and 'Canon-Mouthed' bassist Michael Anthony. Some on set have said that the young actor playing EVH looks so much like Eddie, that the Academy of Arts & Sciences may just give him the Best Actor award now. Right Now. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. 

Lastly, like the lost city of Atlantis, the mythical 1979 concert appearance on The Midnight Special TV show is presented. Legend has it that the mini concert was recorded in late November 1979, but sat in a WB vault because of a secret, decades long, insane legal battle with the Manson Family. On the episode, Van Halen monstrously crushes live renditions of "Dance the Night Away," "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love," "Eruption/You Really Got Me," "And the Cradle Will Rock!!," "Outta Love Again," and the obscure, but awesome jam, "Down in Flames," which was never recorded in the studio. Or was it? 

In the history of recorded music there has never been an announcement like this. VIVA VAN HALEN!

Breakfast Club Detention. March 24, 1984.

The Fun Folks at SCTV, circa 1977.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

Take a good look--he’s a legendary mustachioed adventurer answering the call of the wild. A fearless aviator flying his boss 1969 310 P Cessna (well equipt with state of the art Continental IO-470-VO engines & kick-ass ventral fin), he’s the handsome guy next door that women go crazy for, and with the strange exception of dobermans, dogs just love him too. Wearing a ribbed turtleneck, stag wool sweater, action slacks & custom Dingo boots, this studly Magnum carries with him, some extremely precious cargo—a duffle bag packed with a pound of the finest marijuana ever harvested, and an absolutely priceless bottle of 1926 Macallan Scotch. Surely this cold, yet cozy ski weekend will never be forgotten, but it’s ironic that the Paco Camino Man will eventually settle in tropical Oahu, Hawaii, working as a private investigator while crashing in the guest house at Robin Masters estate.

Damn fine listening material. The Knack, "My Sharona," 1979

Vintage Ad: Sheaffer Pen Company, 1970

Damn Fine Reading Material. The Homicidal Virgin, 1960.

Happy New Year. Apparently I've been in a coma for five years.

Jason Bateman would like you to forget this exists.

WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?

He’s a legendary photographer that considers getting stripped down by hot models an occupational hazard. But don’t get this talented lensman wrong, because when it comes to business, he always delivers the money shot. This stud only uses the best cameras--a Nikon F2 Photomic, Leicaflex SLR, Hasselblad 500 C/M and a Honeywell Pentax Spotmatic F, not to mention top-notch lenses like Zuiko's 135mm and Nikkor's 500 mm F/8 Reflex. Plus no shoot is complete without Rollei lighting units, Reflectasol umbrellas, Minolta’s Automater Professional light meter (with a nifty eye-level finder) and of course, Kodak film. The Paco Camino Man. When he shoots, he scores.