The following handwritten letter was recently found crumpled up and stuck to the icy marble steps of McKinley Hall:

Dear Lisa,

I’m pretty sure space aliens dropped two half-eaten bagels and several pieces of strange notebook paper in my back yard last Wednesday night. The bagels wound up tasting like crusty dog pee and seriously, you can’t rip this paper. It’s un-rippable! Funny too, since I started my exclusive Oreo cookie diet, my shit has turned green and my nipples have shriveled hard and turned black. My guess is that the nonstop Oreo consumption isn’t related (those cookies are just so delicious), but who knows, I’ve been wrong before (ie: popularity of sandpaper thongs and spicy salsa douches). Gut feeling—it's merely extreme cramping from insane binding constipation.

I find myself asleep lately when I’m not awake late at night,

Kristin

Song of the Day:

El Michels Affair, “Protect Ya Neck”