The following handwritten letter was recently discovered crumpled up on the summer steps of McKinley Hall:

Dear Lisa,

Remember when you explicitly screamed that I shouldn’t under any circumstances put that rickety homemade tank containing thousands of Mexican jumping spiders in your room while you were away at fashionista camp? Yeah well, uh, I might have completely accidentally left the tank on your bed while I was out shopping for an escape-proof tank and like now all the spiders are totally gone. Don’t worry—I got a couple dozen of them back, so like, that’s promising. The rest are probably just hiding in your mattress waiting to feast on human blood. You know, statistics show that the average sleeping person unknowingly eats like seven spiders a year anyway.

Oh damn, is it the 132nd or 133rd spider bite that causes blind delirium and uncontrollable bowels?

Kristin

Song of the Day:

The Karminsky Experience, “Departures”