Dear Lisa,
I’m still trying to rhyme ‘homicidal maniac’ with something sexy for that Tampax songwriting contest. I’m also struggling to rhyme ‘rape kit’ in a ballad about a long-distance relationship that turns into forbidden 'Ain't no mountain high enough' passion in pre-1941 Yugoslavia, when Croats, Slovenes and the Kingdom of Serbs lived in an uneasy, but copasetic peace. Or wait, maybe I was excited to hear about Heidi Montag’s clothing line (which I must put on my body), or it was her intention to record a CD. Finally, a once-unknown pseudo-celebrity starring in a partially scripted reality program can record a decent Christian album. Anyway, if I win the Tampax gig, I get a complete kitchen remodeling makeover! Which is awesome! If I, uh…had a kitchen. Huh. I don’t even have a house, let alone an apartment. Hmm, wow, starting to think it was foolish to enter if I didn’t actually have a kitchen.
Damn, I’ll probably never get that non-refundable $25 entry fee back,
Kristin
Song of the Day:
Utah Phillips & Ani DiFranco, “Bridges”
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Video Flashback: Kentucky Fried Movie, 1977
In this scene from the cult classic Kentucky Fried Movie, a couple intently follows along to an instructional Joy of Sex album. Yes, Big Jim Slade is included just in case.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Yeahh! Aerosmiff!! Aerosmith! The 1978 Texxas Jam.
"Lick and a Promise." In other words, the Internet is still 20 years away.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
The following handwritten letter was found crumpled on the steps of McKinley Hall after a passionate rally for diabetic cats:
Dear Lisa,
I’m investing in a footwear art studio that only makes ceramic flip-flops. They come in two different kiln-inspired styles—flat thong ashtray glaze trekkers and hand-painted flowerpot ankle-cuppers. Sure they’re clunky and impossible to walk in, but all sales go to help support high arches of low stature. Hey if the tables were on the other feet, then would you still turn your best foot forward, take a step back, and walk this way like Aerosmith suggests? After experimenting with Cialis as a powerful diuretic, I’ve discovered it now burns when I pee and I routinely have erections lasting longer than four hours (which is obviously weird, since ya' know, I don’t have a penis). Like at all.
Hey, I think I’m ready to watch my first episode of LOST. Anything I should know?
Kristin
Song of the Day:
Supergrass, “Diamond Hoo Ha Man”
I’m investing in a footwear art studio that only makes ceramic flip-flops. They come in two different kiln-inspired styles—flat thong ashtray glaze trekkers and hand-painted flowerpot ankle-cuppers. Sure they’re clunky and impossible to walk in, but all sales go to help support high arches of low stature. Hey if the tables were on the other feet, then would you still turn your best foot forward, take a step back, and walk this way like Aerosmith suggests? After experimenting with Cialis as a powerful diuretic, I’ve discovered it now burns when I pee and I routinely have erections lasting longer than four hours (which is obviously weird, since ya' know, I don’t have a penis). Like at all.
Hey, I think I’m ready to watch my first episode of LOST. Anything I should know?
Kristin
Song of the Day:
Supergrass, “Diamond Hoo Ha Man”
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
WHAT SORT OF MAN READS PACO CAMINO?
Certainly not these two incompetent chuckleheads. As expendable decoy operatives rushed through face-contorting G-force threshold tests, aggravated body temperature measurements, and joyrides in the radical vertical impaction simulator, these GLG20’s have only one plan—“Let’s play dead.” Hardly Paco Camino Man material, but there’s still hope for these two nincompoops. Despite their bumbling ineptitude, they will somehow manage to avert an ICBM from hitting the U.S. while getting laid by super foxy Foreign Service agents Donna Dixon and Vanessa Angel.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The following handwritten letter was discovered folded into a paper airplane, but crumpled and left on the sweltering marble steps of McKinley Hall:
Dear Lisa,
I’ve got my sights set on my new hottie optometrist, Dr. Peepshow. He tells me that by the time I go blind with conjunctive stink-eye glaucoma, scientists will have developed beer goggles for seeing dudes who have trouble scoping out googly-eyed chicks at last call. So I’m like totally set! However it’s possible I’m just simply allergic to invisible air particles that can’t be seen, but my random guess could be my new Pollen Power perfume & Hay Fever body lotion. Hell, maybe it's the cat dander plug-in air freshener with suspect salmonella detector (so no worries about contraband tomatoes I got from the unventilated sawdust mill & dust mite colony). Later tonight after I drop acid with Rudolpho Superslice, Glarg Jimmypants and Peter Fartancockles, we’re going to the ridiculous name conference in Turdcrap City over in Flatulence County.
I’m even having baked beans for dinner,
Kristin
Song of the Day:
Lalah Hathaway, “Tragic Inevitability”
I’ve got my sights set on my new hottie optometrist, Dr. Peepshow. He tells me that by the time I go blind with conjunctive stink-eye glaucoma, scientists will have developed beer goggles for seeing dudes who have trouble scoping out googly-eyed chicks at last call. So I’m like totally set! However it’s possible I’m just simply allergic to invisible air particles that can’t be seen, but my random guess could be my new Pollen Power perfume & Hay Fever body lotion. Hell, maybe it's the cat dander plug-in air freshener with suspect salmonella detector (so no worries about contraband tomatoes I got from the unventilated sawdust mill & dust mite colony). Later tonight after I drop acid with Rudolpho Superslice, Glarg Jimmypants and Peter Fartancockles, we’re going to the ridiculous name conference in Turdcrap City over in Flatulence County.
I’m even having baked beans for dinner,
Kristin
Song of the Day:
Lalah Hathaway, “Tragic Inevitability”
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Woolworth Stereo Spectacular '71
The biggest hits just off the charts. For only a $1.57! Famous labels, favorite stars. Herb Albert. Petula Clark. The Association. Canned Heat; many more! For only $1.57!
Monday, June 09, 2008
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Classic TV Cheese: Charlie's Angels, 1976
See angel Jill Munroe (Farrah Fawcett) get away from a bad guy on a skateboard. However credit should really go to the stunt double skater wearing a blonde wig.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
The following handwritten letter was found folded neatly on the marble steps of McKinley Hall:
Dear Lisa,
That new tuna-scented deodorant suppository you recommended doesn’t seem to work very well, particularly when I’m hanging out down at the docks at the abandoned fishing marina or volunteering at the trout hatchery off Interstate 57 (right near the Red Lobster). And weird, I’m really split about those dissociative identity pills that have me feeling like two different people half the time. Plus I guess I’m just a little upset since I found out that my dad once spent a summer as a Mexican pool boy masquerading as a French Irishman from China operating in an Italian mafia family that defected from El Salvador. Or wait, I think he was a German Swede from inner city Iceland. And he could breakdance.
My alter ego simultaneously loves and hates my dual personality,
Kristin
Song of the Day:
Liam Lynch, “United States of Whatever”
That new tuna-scented deodorant suppository you recommended doesn’t seem to work very well, particularly when I’m hanging out down at the docks at the abandoned fishing marina or volunteering at the trout hatchery off Interstate 57 (right near the Red Lobster). And weird, I’m really split about those dissociative identity pills that have me feeling like two different people half the time. Plus I guess I’m just a little upset since I found out that my dad once spent a summer as a Mexican pool boy masquerading as a French Irishman from China operating in an Italian mafia family that defected from El Salvador. Or wait, I think he was a German Swede from inner city Iceland. And he could breakdance.
My alter ego simultaneously loves and hates my dual personality,
Kristin
Song of the Day:
Liam Lynch, “United States of Whatever”
Sunday, June 01, 2008
The world's sexiest music video: Benny Benassi "Satisfaction"
If you like power tools and hot women, then this is the greatest video of all time.